Guide to life

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Trust your instincts

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

Two wheels good four wheels bad

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Measure twice, cut once

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi.

Aim for the eyestalk!

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Don't eat silica gel

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Don't drink and dial

You are not what you wear

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

If you don't ask, you don't get

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Some people can lick their elbows

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Befriend the bar staff

Take a book

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Choose life - Choose PHP

If it sounds right, it is right

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Invest in good quality leads

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Rodeohead is a work of genius

When bouncers grab you, go limp

Why? Why not?!

Bowed harmonics sound weird

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Happy endings are a myth

Life isnt like the movies

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Just go for it

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Gaffa tape is brilliant

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Hook your lead through your strap

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Save the cheerleader - save the world

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Take a spare - You never know

New strings make all the difference

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Be nice to sound engineers

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

So many drummers, so little time

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Listen first, then play

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Phone your mum

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.